This week I was lucky enough to get a visit from a very old friend of mine who has worked in various positions in the music industry for 30 or so years. He was “fucking delighted” to hear that I was blogging and promptly offered an interview. For reasons that will become apparent I can’t use his real name so I’ve gone with Neil for the purposes of this post. I’ve cut it down a fair bit as we do tend to witter on aimlessly for the most part. Please note if you are easily offended by coarse language I suggest you go and watch the Waltons instead.
Rob: Hi Neil thanks for letting me record this.
Neil: Fair fucks Robbo.
Rob: Let’s start with the last few years, can you run me through what was going on from a label point of view?
Neil: We’ll the problem in 2011 – 12 was that all the fuckers who listened to Scremo, had grown up and decided to get job’s in Subway instead of cutting themselves to My Chemical Romance. Luckily the kid’s went tits for Dubstep last year, guy’s like Skrillex and Skream were getting hailed as the new fucking Messiah’s. The thing is it’s been pissing about London clubs since 2000 with barely a peep of recognition, thank fuck. Anyway, as soon the albums were cut we were putting it out to the press telling them to call it “grimy” or the favorite one was “cutting edge”. Everything last year was fucking “cutting edge”, the truth is it was shit sounding 80’s synths that were shit in the 80’s and shit now.
Rob: That’s a lot of shit.
Neil: It is a lot of shit, that’s why we send these briefs out. If every fucking fake spec wearing shit jockey journalist had a real fucking opinion they’d be no music industry. We tell them what to think, they tell the public what to think, the public gives us money. It’s an enormous circle jerk with the consumer standing right the fucking middle swallowing the filth whole.
Rob: So among all the circle jerking did you sign any Dubstep artists?
Neil: Course we fucking did, we’d sign a disabled monkey if we thought we could teach it to fuck a drum. There was this one prick, wee geeky bastard who spent his time wanking and fucking around in his mum and dad’s spare room. Everyone was after him because he had remixed some other twats tune and fucked it on You Tube. He was making everyone work like a bastard to sign him so I took him and his dad along to a Chelsea game (with full hospitality of course). After it they wanted to go out for a meal then to a couple of pubs, but you know me Rob I’m strictly old school, so I took them out on the lash then off to the strippers. I was starting to get a bit bored so I got him and his old man full of gear and they asked me to get some company for them. Now I might be a lot of things but I’m no home wrecker so I tried some tactics but they were set on it and they promptly pissed off. I ended up in some shit hole club and decided to sign the DJ. He ended up making us a fucking mint.
Rob: What about your man on you tube?
Neil: Fuck knows, thinking about what he’s having for dinner tonight probably.
Rob: Dubstep was obviously the big alternative hit last year, what about the commercial market?
Neil: Take a techno beat, add a female vocal fuck in a shouty chorus and you’ve got a hit. It’s been the same since the late 80’s only it was fresh then. You see that bastard Waterman on T.V talking about Motown and the death of songwriting, he fucking ushered in an era of insipid generic bollocks. It’s all templates anyway. Pidgeon holes and stencils so you can’t colour in outside the lines. The Coldplay template, the Guetta template the Gaga template, years ago it was Duran Duran or Take That, formula, formula, formula.
Rob: Tell me about the Coldplay template then.
Neil: Just listen to any Coldplay song then watch X-factor. Nice and slow, psudo intellectual lyrics then the pre chorus swell, cue the fucking doves and the choir. Of course by the end 90% of people have lost all interest because their concentration span is so short and the music is so bland. On the X Factor that’s when they wade in with the sparkles, confetti and loud bangs, gets you up from your near suicidal stupor. If it’s a Coldplay song, fuck knows what they do, I’ve never listened to one long enough to find out. (N.B open up your Spotify after reading this and click any Coldplay song, you probably wont last either)
Rob: So it’s more of a song template then?
Neil: Well yeah, that and image, It’s always been about the image Rob right back to the Beatles and probably even further. That Beethoven was a smooth fucker, he had better hair than Robert Plant and snazzier gear than Gaga, poncing about looking the mutts. I’ll bet Cowell would have him in a striped polo and skinny jeans, waving his little stick about to Father and Son while the girls shit their knickers.
Rob: Simon Cowell has a lot to answer for eh?
Neil: Are you kidding? Of course he does, every winner of that shite the X-factor is the same, slap them in a leather jacket add some nu rave abortion of song and hope for the best. If it doesn’t work then move on to the next sappy fuckers. If it’s not that it’s the cheeky chappy look or even worse One Direction. These are all acts without a fucking ounce of feeling, sentiment or talent.
Rob: Not a fan of James Arthur?
Neil: The Honey Monster? Fuck that, One Direction are the worst though. It’s a well known story that when John Peel first heard Teenage Kicks he pulled his car over and cried. When I heard One Directions cover a similar thing happened, only there was a lot more fucking swearing. What’s next Justin Beiber singing The Needle and The Damage Done straddling an inflatable syringe?
Rob: I wouldn’t mind seeing that.
Neil: Fuck off… Well, only if he was joined on stage by Harry Styles and Taylor Swift dressed as Sid and Nancy, fresh from a 3 day smack binge.
Rob: Moving on, What’s going to be big in the next few years?
Neil: Everyone is shitting themselves because Dubstep’s become mainstream and it’s not fucking cutting edge anymore. There seems to be a lot of sub genres popping up all over the gaff. Neo New Wave has been giving the geeks hard ons for a while. Have you seen that film Drive?
Rob: Yea
Neil: Every song sounds like the end credits to that. Basically, anyone with a computer can make music now and it seems rather than do anything with any fucking substance they want to make anemic shit stained records that sound like they come from a fucking commodore 64. It’s fuck all that’s new, but Kid’s don’t want to think they’re listening to the same bollocks their parents did so we stick it in a pair of neon tights and call it something different so the stupid fuckers lap it up.
Rob: What else?
Neil: Juke and Footwork have been kicking about for a while, just avoid it Rob. Samples of people shouting to drum beats you can’t dance to, it’s like happy hardcore minus the E.
Rob: Feeling old?
Neil: You fucking know it.
I’ve included a little sample of some DJ Spinn who is a Juke/footwork DJ. Enjoy?
rockingrobroyce 